Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. 6 “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
--Matthew 7:4-6 NASB1995
If someone hates hypocrisy in others, accusing them of hypocrisy, what is going on there? Why do they feel that way? Why do they believe that somebody is a hypocrite? Perhaps the self-proclaimed hypocrisy hater (Person C) feels that Person A is trying to fix Person B while Person C believes that Person A is blinded to their having the same or a similarly bad problem as Person B.
Maybe Person C feels that Person A is trying to fix Person B rather than trying to love Person B in a way that Person C believes will be more effective and transformative. Could Person C clarify to Person A what specific desires and actions Person C has for how Person A ought to respond to Person B? If that has not already occurred, could Person A ask Person C to elaborate a little further about Person’s C’s desires for the situation if Person C still feels unheard in the matter?
Person C might be believing that Person A is acting in a proud or arrogant manner [towards Person B]. For that reason, Person C accuses Person A of hypocrisy, a quality which Person C hates. How can Person A demonstrate humility to Person C? Humility is what defeats pride ("Leviathan"--see Job 41). God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. How can God’s grace flood this situation through Person A’s meek response to Person C and Person B?
Perhaps Person B and/or Person C does not want to receive God’s grace through Person A. Just because there is conflict, that does not necessarily mean that Person A is at fault or responsible for the condition of Person B or Person C. Person A is only responsible for Person A, and can leave the results to God after acting in humility towards Persons B and C as far as it depends on Person A (see Romans 12:9,18).
Love by definition demands a choice, so Person B and Person C are responsible for their own attitudes towards Person A and will be held accountable to God for whatever is in their own hearts. Although the hypocritical Pharisees were full of demons, Jesus could not cast those demons out of them unless they wanted freedom from those demons in submission to Jesus’ leadership in their lives.
Jesus called the Pharisees a brood of vipers, meaning that they were full of spirits of envy (Mammon), pride (Leviathan), accusation (Satan), and bitter narcissism (Jezebel). Jesus loved them perfectly and did nothing wrong, and yet these principalities and powers through the Pharisees slandered and murdered Jesus.
Unlike Jesus, it is possible that we may harbor traces of bitterness, unforgiveness, offense, pride, hypocrisy, legalism (truth without grace), etc. For that reason, we may need to humbly approach God about people with the prayer from Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; 24 and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” (NASB1995)
Is it possible that, ironically, Person C might be struggling with or guilty of practicing hypocrisy towards Person A? After all, if Person C is holding a grudge against Person A, is not such bitterness and unforgiveness rooted in pride? Could it then be that every party in the situation is dealing with pride, bitterness, and hypocrisy in some way towards another party?
How can this conflict be resolved and peace be made as far as it depends on Person C? In other words, if I am Person C, what can I do to ensure that I am free from hypocrisy, pride, and bitterness?
A conflict resolution model I heard taught one summer follows the following sequence: Facts, Thoughts, Feelings, Desires, Actions. In other words, a person can process the following about the conflict or situation.
Facts: What happened here? What is the situation? What is the problem? What “beef” (or conflict) do I have with another person? What is my complaint?
Thoughts: How am I interpreting this situation? What do I think is the root cause of the problem? What do I think is wrong here?
Feelings: What do I feel about this situation? How do I feel towards this person and their actions? Do I feel bitter? Offended? Hurt? What is it that I feel hurt about? What am I angry about? How can I change the way I think?
Desires: How do I want to feel? Do I want to feel at peace and joyful? Do I want to be reconciled? What would it look like for love and grace to restore this situation? After I’ve responded with grace and humility, can I be at peace with myself and leave the results to God? Can I take my peace and feel love for the other parties even if the other parties remain bitter?
Actions: If appropriate, what can I tell the other parties that I would like for them to do for the sake of reconciliation? How can I respond to this situation in a humble (meek) manner? How can I speak words of life, forgiveness, encouragement, and hope to those people? Is there something I need to take responsibility for that I’ve done or said wrong? What did Jesus do and how do I cooperate with His Spirit living on the inside of me in this situation?
For more information about how narcissism, envy, pride, and bitterness operates, I recommend my post “10 Signs You’re a Slave to Narcissism.”
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